i would first like to thank all my LJ friends for not spoiling the american idol show last night since i'm just watching it now.

second, i wish i was 14 again so i could be in the david cook fan club.

i really love DeVotchKa.
Their music just feeds my soul.
And the instruments they use are so unusual and cool!
I love it when dude plays the theramin with his guitar.
it's so sexy.

love.

i just took a really fun class at the gym - "strength training"
the instructor is new - frankie - and he's this little hispanic guy who sounds like cesar milan.
he was cracking me up so much - though probably unintentionally!

for instance when doing squats:
"stick your butt out baby"

(oh, and i'm pretty sure he's gay so i wasn't offended whatsoever!)

and when we were doing pushups he demostrated the 3 ways depending on the strength level - there's a way called doggy style and he kept saying doggie style. LMAO.

jeez i could go on.
i can't wait until next week though!
he's fun.
and i can tell he did a good job shredding my muscles!

today is going to be a good day.
i just know it.
yesterday was not such a good day... but everyone has those now and then, right?
i feel like i have a world to catch up on as my mental facilities have been sidelined for a couple of days.

yesterday i went to the gym at lunch and did cardio for 40 minutes.
then after work met with Ronnie, my muay thai kickboxing trainer, and he kicked my ass for 45 minutes.
he doesn't let me quit or say no.
which is what i need.
lots of kicking yesterday too - i love the sound my shin makes on his pads.
but there was a class in the group room so we were in the middle of the gym and i also realized I'm one of those loud people you hear from the other side of the gym and wonder WTF is she doing.
But when you're punching and kicking as hard as you can AND doing 50 in a row when you don't think you can do 50 in a row so you just tell yourself to fucking do it - I don't see how you couldn't grunt and scream a little.

Anyways, I am really enjoying this kickboxing thing.
i can already tell my legs are firming up and my obliques are in constant ache which is AMAZING.
i can't wait to spar with someone.... but that's in months and months and months ...

Last night around 3am I woke up because my back was spasming.
I never really fully got back to sleep.
It was the weirdest thing - everything that had happened during the day was streaming back in to my head exactly as it had happened in vivid true color. Really weird.
I also started doubting whether I'm too old to be taking up this kickboxing thing.
I mean, i know i can work the stamina, but are my bones and body too old?
I also decided I really need to do Pilates again to strengthen my core/back. When i was doing it regularly, like, 10 years ago, i recall how free from back pain i was. It was awesome.
I also desperately need a massage - like every muscle used for kickboxing is screaming at me - especially my quads, forarms and glutes/lower back. I'm not kickboxing again until Saturday - just concentrating on cardio and stamina, which I have embarrassingly little of.

Also last night I got lost on flickr.
Really for the first time ever.
I found this one artist who I looked at for portfolio for at least an hour:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/kristamasklousch/
I am soooooo enamoured with her images I can't even express it in words.
They make me ooze with inspiration and want and need and a bit of jealousy.
I want to try some of her ideas for my 366 - but i also don't want to compromise my promise to myself about not using photoshop on my pictures. Maybe I can find a happy medium. Maybe I should start using the black and white or sepia settings on my camera. And all the other color settings it has - which are a TON.

in other news.....

TONIGHT TONIGHT TONIGHT
we're going to see DeVotchKa at Variety Playhouse!!!!!!!!!!
OMG I am so excited - this will be our 3rd time seeing them AND at my favorite venue here in Atlanta!
I like their new CD alot. If you don't know who they are, one of their songs from their last full length was featured in the movie Little Miss Sunshine - I believe "How it Ends"
It's gonna be so fun!
They always inspire me so.

time to suck it up
god dammit
i hate feeling pathetic.

i'm going to the gym in half an hour and hopefully the endorphins will kick in.
all i want to do is go back to bed though.
i could easily slip into a deep sleep right now.
but i will go running at lunch then punch and kick the shit out of my kickboxing trainer at 5.
even though my knuckles are still bruised.
i'm gonna kick some shit.

listening to mika for the first time in awhile.
need something sweet and happy.
and to drown out the work crap around me.

somehow "happy ending" is sounding pretty fucking amazing right now.
although
happy ending is not a happy song!
weird.

I feel as if I'm wasted
And I'm wastin' everyday

.
.
.
.
this too shall pass i know.

i'm starting to take wellbutrin again.
fuck it.
sometimes it is just chemical inbalance that we have no control over.

i've really been too up and too down lately.
and i don't like it.
and i know feeling emotion is normal but feeling so high and so low can't be.
i don't care what you say.

little things just throw me into tailspins.
the weekend was going fine.
yesterday was pretty cool.
today was alright.
i tried to scrapbook and was frustrated by my lack of creativity and mojo.
made a shitastic weekly page i don't even know if i'll share it sucks so bad.

then i got the email.
the one telling me i am not good enough to warrant an interview with the company i sent my portfolio too.
and there goes the downward spiral.
and all the self loathe and doubt creeps back in.

so then what do i do?
the smartest thing i could ... decided to try on the dress i bought for april's wedding in two weeks.
and, but of course it doesn't fit.
can't get it zipped up.
so yet another thing i fail at.

so, never mind me.
just another sunday night.
the worst time of the week ever.
cause, yay, in 9 hours i get to start the work week yet again.
and i pour my 2nd shot of scotch.

fail.

it's sunday so i can play catch up on everything - including 366 pics - 4 days worth!

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ahhh
i love jon stewert.
i underestimated his humor - holy crap he had me rolling on the floor last night.
or, as eric put it, having convulsions in my seat.

i laughed so hard at two points that not only did i have to wipe tears off my cheeks but i couldn't catch my breath and was gasping for air. And once I threw my head back in laughter and felt my neck strain.

HA!

... of course once was when he was talking about his cat!!!!!
the other time was about fucking a pinata.

which after the bit he says referring to himself "oh, he's not that nice man i see on the tv every night..."

or maybe it was after the bit about fucking a pumpkin....hmmmmm.......

LOVE!

he did a mix of material - about a quarter of it i had heard before -
but stands the test of time - like, what, 15 years?
Alot more Jew stuff, which to me, since i can relate to it, was super funny.

funniest part of the night was actually AFTER the show when we were
walking out and were behind a couple of older people and one man
shakes the hand of another man who walked towards him and says "i
can't believe he just said 'macham smachem fuckim' in front of my
rabbi!" and they both laughed.

it was one of the last jokes jon told - maybe you've heard it before
cause i had, about all the jewish holidays and him calling in sick
saying it was a jewish holiday called "macham smachem fuckim"?

eric was so embarrassed he walked waaaay behind me cause i started laughing out loud cause - 1, a rabbi at the show 2, well, a rabbi at the show?!

cool.
i just love to laugh.
i realize i just don't do it enough.....

LMAO
I'm going through old emails, archiving, deleting and found this:

*********************************************************************************

subject: the sweetest perfection
lara to woxy.com
Thu, Apr 5, 2007 at 4:21 PM

man, even that crazy freaky noise at the beginning of the DM song makes my heart soar.
love love love DM.
my ipod broke and i had to reload everything and i lost ALL my DM remixes - like i would conservatively say 150 remixes. and i refuse to pay iTunes all that money to get them again!!

withdrawal....

*********************************************************************************

woxy.com -- DJ to me (side note, based on the time and use of the word shit i'm assuming it's Shiv? Even though Barb and I had more than one R-rated DM/Dave Gahan convo i believe she had already moved to MN in 2007)
Thu, Apr 5, 2007 at 4:40 PM

Reply:

You got to back that shit up girl!

Love that tune though. Glad it made somebody else happy today. :-)

*********************************************************************************


lara to woxy.com
Thu, Apr 5, 2007 at 4:44 PM

Reply:

I thought i had it backed up!!
i had all their albums backed up but none of the fucking mixes.
And i regifted my boxset to my friend for her birthday 2 years ago.

*sigh*

live and learn.

but, yes, thank you for putting a smile on my uterus this afternoon.

*********************************************************************************

Fuck this shit - my next job I need to make sure I can stream woxy, i miss them so so so so soooo much. :(

and yes, dm makes my uterus swooooon. :-p

here are a couple of pics from my camera this week.
none are 366 challenge related, FYI.

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March and April photo summaries!

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omg

just had my first session with the muay thai guy (finally)

um

can i throw up now?

holy crap i don't think i've ever felt this sick and shaky after a work out.
i can hardly type!
i'm force feeding myself fake chicken right now to get some protein.

that.
was.

HARDCORE.

it felt really good - until the 500 side kicks.
which i got about 30 into it then said i was about to die - and meant it.
i try not to complain at all when i'm working out, so really for me to admit defeat was pretty major.

we're gonna meet again tomorrow at 11am.
hopefully i'll have more stamina.
and not be in too much pain....

trying not to be pissy.

let's see, i worked 9.5 hours monday, 10 hours tuesday, 10 hours wed, 8.5 hours yesterday and came in an hour early today because my boss told me wednesday she appreciated how extra hard i was working and that i could leave early today but still get paid until 5pm.

come in this morning and there's 2 "super hot rush" jobs that need to get done before the weekend.
which means i may be playing the hurry up and wait game, where I get my part of the job done at 10am and then have to wait until 3pm for feedback, which means NOT being able to leave until 5 which means another 10 hour day which is fine for my paycheck but i was super duper uber looking forward to going home early and relaxing in the 85 degree sun.

And I didn't even realize that THIS sunday is mothers day!
I thought it was NEXT sunday.
And i never made a card or anything - so that's what I'm doing tonight!

oh well.
trying not to be pissy.
it's only work.
which i'm beyond fucking sick of right now.

/immature childish rant

TGIF BITCHES.

warning entry may have too much tmi for some (about womanly issues)

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oh, it's good to be back.
yes it is.
oh and it's tv night tonight!
30 Rock! yay!

3 days of pictures.....

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OH NO

Helicopter Mom, who I've decided might possibly be THE MOST ANNOYING PERSON I'VE EVER MET, has decided to go down to the mall for coffee with a friend.

But the fucking bitch forgot to disable the alarm clock that goes off every fucking morning at 10:30am on her computer. OMG even my ipod won't drown out that piercing bell.

OMG
I HATE HER.

last night was one of the worst nights of sleep i got in a long time.
wow.
it's like i never left work - every time i let my mind wander all i could see was Quark palettes and pages - which is weird cause i almost soley work in InDesign now. But all I could see was computer screens with palettes and even at one point, at 2:16am actually, i made myself envision typing an Apple-Q hopefully getting rid of the image and it did for a sec but then it came back.

Finally at 5am i got up and said fuck it - as long as i'm dreaming about work i might as well go and get paid for it.
It's weird being the first one in the building.
Kinda eery with the lights off.

The other thing that kept popping up in my head as I lay awake all night, well, i guess drifting in and out of consciousness, is i kept having the thought pop in my head "tom waits is dead"
what? huh? um, huh?

This menstruation period is really bad this month.
I realized walking to work just now it's the first i've had completely off of Wellbutrin.
That could be why.
It's also coinciding with an incredibly stressful period (no pun intended) in my life.
But the thing is, i have the crazies ... i have the horrible cramps and back aches ... but i don't have any bleeding.
Sorry about the TMI - but what's up with that shit?!!!

I started this post yesterday at about 10am then got to busy to finish it!
Yes, the story of yesterday....

********************************************

whoa
i just remembered i had a dream about madonna last night.
she was performing somewhere.
some arena.
and i was trying to go - i had two tickets but whoever was supposed to go with me didn't want to go. and i had people visiting from out of town and felt guilty about leaving them on their own but i really wanted to go to the show.
And my ticket said "Row 1" and i was super psyched.
But i had to go through a maze of seats and levels to get to it.
When i finally did it was about 5 rows back - and everyone in front of me was teen age which i thought was weird.
So, Madonna was performing all by herself.
And it was really weird.
And actually kinda really bad.
And a bit embarrassing.
And people were leaving and i felt really bad for her.

Flash to another part of the dream where I'm standing outside the venue and she walks by.
And she has this crazy tattoo on her back and i realize, IN MY DREAM, that it's the same tattoo i saw Dave Gahan wearing in the dream i had last week. And IN MY DREAM i recognized that i had seen that tattoo before and was so curious about it but too shy too ask. It looked kinda like a hindu symbol... but very bold and big.

I should find out what this tattoo is.
Actually, I want to say it's similar to my friend Karla's, but i think her LJ is friends only so i can't post a link. But, I saw it the other day and was like, huh, that looks uber-familiar.

Anyways, I had a conversation with madonna in the dream.
I can't remember what it was about though.
There was something about playing piano and her children, but otherwise i'm almost blank.

*********************************************

Sucks ass I never finished this post cause i can't really remember anything else now.

wow.
my period this month is fucking with me really bad.
i don't know why - i've had pretty good ones recently.
but, like, EVERYTHING is just blown out of proportion and i feel like an uncontrollable monster.

work has been horrendously stressful.
my co-worker is out for 9 business days and shit is just blowing up around me.
i'm trying hard.
i'm not taking lunch breaks.
i'm working 9.5 - 10 hour days with only pee breaks.
and i'm still unable to stay afloat.
it really sucks ass.

at least being this stressed out is killing my appetite!
maybe since i haven't really gone to the gym in 2 weeks i won't gain weight since i'm not ingesting as many calories?

ok ... back to work ....
only have time for a breathe.

p.s. - sorry friends list - i've had zero time to read anything. i feel cyber-lost.

Day 125 is today!!!

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