good morning from ann arbor.
i am sooooooo fucking relieved to be here.
omg.
and i'm already starting to be able to think about things more clearly, or at least less discombobulated.
the main thing i am noticing is that i am a nervous wreck.
i never fully understood the expression "acute anxiety" until right now.

and up until about 6:13am this morning I couldn't admit to myself that i am human and i have been through some MAJOR trauma the last couple of weeks, if not year, and its all just accumulated into this overwhelming mass and my brain has finally given in from exhaustion of trying to suppress it.

i have no idea if its the paxil or my brain or a combination but i am shaking and vibrating and tingling from every fiber and muscle and emotion. even my teeth are vibrating. i admit i am popping a half xanax every 2 hours now just so I don't collapse - i'm so shaky it's hard to walk, i was actually tripping over my feet at the airport last night but didn't want to take more xanax cause i didn't want to pass out on my dad.

so weird being able to consciously notice all this - but it's reassuring that my mind isn't totally lost! i am fully aware of what's happening and that is uber-reassuring cause i have to admit, i was/am worried my brain might break and i may do something irrational, but i think i'm in control of that. at least there's that.

ANYWAY

This is what stars tell me today:
Here is your horoscope for Saturday, October 11:

You've got a lot on your mind right now. Blow off some errands or tasks that don't seem that important so you can take all the time you need with your personal issues. Don't delay!
It's not a day about feeling -- it's a day about thinking! Your brain is set to think in a more analytical way and your heart is letting it drive things for a while. You might start to seem a bit detached from friends -- especially the ones who always call you up with gossip or to talk about their latest dramas. While you'll still be as compassionate as ever, you will also be slightly distracted by the tasks you have to complete. Work will come first for you now, and that's perfectly okay.

Laying in bed this morning my head was working overtime.
I had been talking to my dad about eric last night and why i didn't want to be with him anymore and my dad actually used the word "sad sack" - eric is used to things being given to him, he's not spoiled, but he doesn't really ever work for what he wants. My dad pointed out that the jobs he's had are always no room for growth and he refuses to go and learn new skills to keep him competitive in the market he is in.

The word ambition popped into my head this morning:

1. an earnest desire for some type of achievement or distinction, as power, honor, fame, or wealth, and the willingness to strive for its attainment

2. desire for work or activity; energy

3. to aspire to.

It's a weird word cause I always think of madonna when i hear it and the last couple of months I've been trying to put my finger on the quality that i look for in other people, and it's ambition. I actually feel like i have very little respect for people without ambition because without ambitions how would you better yourself, how could you respect yourself, how would you find your place in life?

My dad also used the word "mediocre" to describe eric and its funny cause just the other night i told b that one of my biggest anxieties in life was NOT to live a life of mediocrity - i want to live a life that's extraordinary (damn you bono for brainwashing me with that word). I thought i could achieve some of the extraordinary dreams i had with b, but it turns out he just wants to live in mediocrity. But, that's good to know now.

Once i get better I'll gain my ambition back. And i'm not fooling myself, I'm not using this depression as an excuse for anything. But right now I know myself and I know i can't set myself up for any risks that involve failure, but someday soon I'll get back into life and live it the way i know i want to. Probably in Ann Arbor which means I need to focus on getting my mental health back since that move in itself will be another source of anxiety, but compared to living alone in atlanta next door to b it'll be a cakewalk.

But for now I think i'll let myself lay on the couch and watch tv and do nothing. it's something i have trained myself not to do, to feel guilty about doing, but i'm going to let myself try and relax and concentrate on breathing and as my horoscope said let my brain drive my heart. I'm going to meander over to the Scrap Box shortly, I don't know exactly why since I have no where to put any new items in my house, but it should be relaxing at least. Someday i'll be able to create again.