wow, what a weekend!

i spent 4.5 days in Michigan, away from life, but with people who love and support me.
Basically I feel like I was recuperating and recharging.

Ack, too much to say.

Well, the basics, that don't require mental thought:

Wednesday evening I found out I didn't get that job in A2 I had basically based my future on. Mixed feelings, but i guess overall I'm totally all good with it.

On Thanksgiving Day at 2pm my dad said he had to go over to the people's house we were having dinner at and help them set up. I thought it was really weird, especially when he all but refused to let me go with him, and then at 3pm he came home but rang the doorbell instead of used his key.
I was sooooo vegged out in front of the TV (Arrested Development marathon!) so I reluctantly and confusedly got up to answer the door - and when i opened it - MY FUCKING BROTHER AND HIS GIRLFRIEND WERE STANDING THERE! OMG - that was the CRAZIEST most intense surprise I've ever had! I was soooo verklempt! Dan lost a bet to Cri - he said the first thing I would say would be "holy fucking shit" but apparently, all i said was "holy shit" :)

But, that was almost nothing compared to Saturday night.

We all (mom, dad, brother, cristina) went out to dinner Saturday to celebrate my birthday which is Tuesday - we went to Zingerman's Deli - my favorite restaurant. After dinner they gave me some cards and gifts. Last week I told everyone not to give me material items - if they want to give me anything please just give me money for the trip I want to take to Africa. And i had a couple of conversations with my parents and some of the people at the Thanksgiving dinner about AWF and my desire to go see our work up close over the course of my stay. I even reviewed my solicitation letter with my parents that I was going to send out to people.

Anyways, first I opened a cute card from my parents cat.
Then Cristina gave me a bag filled with things. And i started taking things out and her and Dan got all kooky about the order of which I look at everything. So, first I opened a small box that had a bikini in it. Then another bag with a cool t-shirt and sweater in it (all from some hot Italian designer with cute little cartoon animals on them of couse). Then a card from my brother which inside were some EXTREMELY heartfelt words from both him and Cri and inside the card was a certificate he had drawn that said "the bearer of this card gets 1 free trip to London" - I was like huh? Like, really confused. But he said both him and Cri would pay for a ticket for me to come visit them whenever I wanted too cause they knew otherwise I may never come :) I said next time Muse plays Wembley Stadium I'm there!

Anyways, I was still kinda reeling from being overwhelmed by that gift when they gave me a rolled up piece of paper to look at - this one said "voucher for one roundtrip ticket to Africa" - my mind went blank - like I don't know if I've felt an overwhelmingness like that - like my mouth wouldn't work to talk. Apparently everyone chipped in to send me to Africa! UM WHOA.

AND NOW I CAN NOT WAIT! AGH!

OK, so that was the skeleton of the weekend.
But, of course there's so much more, as far as details, and emotions.
Like I keep wondering what I did to deserve such an outpouring of love and then feeling guilty and then telling myself cause i'm worth it. Being isolated like i feel in atlanta i think i've lost a little touch of reality and even though i talk to friends and family on the phone nearly every day i still feel kinda removed and insecure. So, to see everyone go through so much trouble for me, do what they have done is a little overwhelming, and i have yet to explain that verbally to them. I will, and I will make a card :)
Ya, there's more, but I'll get to that sooner or later - i just wanted to make sure to record these highlights down first! Usually birthdays make me kinda crazy, like uber-depressed, but i think this year I'll be cool.

Another layout resurrected.
I did this on my birthday but think its kinda shit so never posted it, but here ya go.
For posterity sake.
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pictures!!
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omg
my friend matthew just sent me a ONE GALLON glass JUG of green tabasco sauce!!!
it even has a personalized label on it that says:

"this vintage Tabasco pepper sauce has been especially bottled to become the private stock of Lara Wineman. Presented with due ceremony in the best tradition of McHenny Company."
And then it's signed by the President of Tabasco!

What an awesome gift.
He's so awesome.
Damn I miss Matthew.

After my battery is charged I'll take a picture :)

birthday came and gone.
very mellow weekend.
no fanfare or anything too special.
i actually got 2 presents though!
what a surprise!
total surprise.
That's 2 more than I got last year!!
and both were so thoughtful and perfect.
My lovely neighbors got me a 30 day gym pass to the gym down the street and my brother got me "pop camera" - it takes pictures in 4 different lenses so when they're developed they're like a Warhol pop art piece! Although it uses 35mm film! Holy crap I'm still trying to wrap my head around using old school film.

i also bought myself a present - a new Forman Grill because we have worn the fuck out of our old one.

Went out to eat Saturday and Sunday - and i still feel indigested.
i just can't eat like i used to and i don't want to complain about it, but.....

We were going to karaoke saturday but there was somewhat of a tragedy in my brothers office and we didn't think it would be appropriate to have the outing since some of his friends who were going to go were affected. But that's fine, i was super stressed out about the karaoke anyways. We needed a minimum of 6 people to show up for the room and i really didn't think 6 people would show.
Sometimes i regret not having friends.
Oh well.

Sunday i went to an art show with Tiffany.
It was pretty cool.
It was the artiest show i've ever been too - in a super cool old rehabbed factory lofts thing.
Each apartment hosted a different artists gallery and each apartment's floorplan was completely unique.
Going into all the different apartments was almost more interesting than alot of the art!
Although there was pretty cool mixed media stuff and paintings.
Nothing i could even dream about affording though.
Made me feel a bit inferior actually.

I wish .... i wish ... hmmmmm, i guess i just wish i had more time to develop my talent.
There, that's a positive way of saying it.

OK.
Two observations before 9am this morning.

1) 4 people now have commented about how thin i look and have asked me how I am doing it. I am actually so proud to say diet and exercise and mean it!!! No drugs here baby! Weird how all of the sudden all these people are noticing? Maybe it's because I'm wearing all black :)

2) Judging by the numbers of email and piles of paper alone, in the last 2 days my workload has increased, statistically 600 percent. No raise. No more time in the day. I think I am going to have to come in on the weekend and spend time working. At least I'm still paid overtime hourly.

OK, I lied - 3rd observation. I was pouting about coming in on my birthday to work. Um, WTF?! I am such a fucking hypocrite and need to practice what i preach - my birthday is just another day. It's not like time should stand still or people should take the day off and mail not delivered. It's just another fucking day in my life. Every day I'm one day older, not just December 2 every year.

Really.
Although I am treating myself to dinner that night dammit - 96 Estoria or Vortex.
dammit.

somehow i lost 1.5 pounds last week?
whhhaaaaaaa?

i feel like i ate like a pig last week!
but on more careful thought what i ate was probably pretty good choices - lots of things with fruit and veggies (wait, does pumpkin pie count as a vegetable?).

I'm at my all-time low now!!!
145.6 pounds!!!

I've had a scrapbook page sitting half done on my desk for 3 days now.
For some reason i can't finish it, don't feel inspired to, and it's totally pissing me off.

Oh well.

Oh ya, and i found out the karaoke party that i was invited to on Saturday is cancelled.
I was SO excited!!
Especailly since it's my birthday.
There i go again having unrealistic birthday expectations.
My brother said "well, throw your own karaoke party at the place!" and i was like "ya, with the 4 people i know?"
And it sounds like too much work.
Oh well.

Man, i hate to be one of those rollercoaster people, but i really feel like that is my MO lately. :(

Monday.
New Day.
It's raining and cold and windy but i still walked.
Just to remind myself I'm alive and well!!

Yesterday turned out to be just what the doctor ordered.
After going out late morning and doing errands we couldn't do while my parents were here, we got home just as the rain started to fall.
I cancelled the trip to the shoe store i was going to make with my brother (who was PISSED) and stayed in my scrapbook studio for 4 hours listening to music and creating.

Then I impulse bought a ton of shit from Amazon.com and Scrapbook.com.
I figure since my birthday is Sunday and I don't expect to get any gifts I'm gonna give myself some dammit.

So, from Amazon I got:
Collage Unleashed
Journal Revolution
Both books I saw and perused at Borders on Friday night (what else is there to do with parents on a friday night?) and both looked inspirational and educational!

From Scrapbook.com I got basic supplies - nothing too frivolous:
A new American Craft D Ring binder and 2 packs of refills
The whole Basic Grey Obscure paper collection (OK this was frivilous but i love this line!)
2 Packs of Queen & Co black Felt Lace (frivolous too but i'm beginning to love this stuff and have used it on my last 3 layouts)

As far as diet I'm back on track.
Yesterday I went back to square one of the diet - only shakes and "approved" entrees and fruits and veggies.
Today kickboxing.

Half my office is still out on vacation (LUCKY) so hopefully it will also be a quiet low-stress day!

So, in 2 weeks i turn 36 if my calculations prove correct.
(born in 1971, subtracted from 2007 - that's 36 right?)
After 30 I've lost track entirely.

Anyways, this year I've decided my birthday will be a little different.

First of all, too help motivate me to get through the next 2 weeks of gorging i'm setting a goal for myself - 36 pounds lost on my 36th birthday. I think I can do it......

Anywho, today i found out the day before my birthday some friends are hosting a karaoke party in a private room karaoke bar!!! How awesome is that?!

Every year on my birthday I get kinda depressed because I always have expectations that are seldom met.
Its kinda like my scrapbooking.

So to go with the theme of late, I will not set expectations and I will have fun karaoking and then scrapbooking the next day. I won't expect any fuss, I won't make any fuss, i just want to do the 2 things I love to do most AND be with friends and family.

Deal?
Ya, deal.

another beautiful day out - not a cloud in the sky, t-shirt weather!
can't mask my moodiness and general depression i've been experiencing the last 2 days though.

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god damn, where to start?

ummm, my birthday ended up being fun as hell! Had dinner with my bestest friends in the world then went dancing and drinking with matthew which was fun as hell. took my shirt off on the dancefloor scaring the soccor moms off and getting spanked by a group of lesbians.

last night i had a dream i woke up in africa in some hotel sleeping under mosquito netting. awf is going to africa next spring and although i decided this summer i wasn't going to go after this dream i think i might have to. it seemed very prophetic. like sometimes my dreams leave me with this overwhelming feeling of not symbolism but realism.
the main reasons for me deciding not to go were my phobia of snakes (not just phobia - i really freak out, like the whole can't breathe or move thing) and the emotional overwhelmingness of the trip - but the dream was basically me going to a village with a ton of AIDS orphans and I woke myself up crying around 4am. I think I need to go. I am too American - ignoring the reality of the rest of the world. I need to go to reaffirm why I have dedicated my free time to making lives better in parts of the world they don't have the resources to help themselves. more so than the pain i hope to go to villages where i have helped to bring clean water too and learning the stories that inspire.

OK, shhh. Arrested Development is on. Last 3 episodes :(

i hate birthdays.
hate them.
i just came up with a good motto writing in a happy birthday board for chris from muse who shares the same birthday as me:
"i don't stalk, i rock"
but
really.
i just finished off a bottle of 3 buck chuck blanc.
i got a massage tonight to calm my ass down.
it worked while i was on the table.
now i'm just loathing tomorrow.

man, i don't know what my fucking problem is.
maybe i'm depressed but don't know it?
i've been totally crabby for 4 days now, which I'm totally over.
and I slept 13 hours last night. i even asked eric if he rufied me and he said no.

it must be my hatred for my boss and boredom here at work. i feel stuck and like i'm wasting time the 8 hours a day i need to be here.
and "coming" off the rock and roll trip to new york which was fabulous.

and possibly cause of my birthday next week or so-ish - i always get a little sad around then cause i hate birthdays and the expectations they entail. my friend matt said i should have a party but i only know 4 people to invite. i don't have any friends. most of the time that's fine but now, for example, cause i'm so bored, i'd love to have someone to call to get a drink with. but 2 of my friends are too busy with their own lives and my other friend lives an hour a way and only comes in on the weekends or for a hair cut.

possibly it's winter. today's high is 16 degrees. brrr.

i bought the Gigolo DVD last night - got it for cheaper than I thought I would from some place in Britain. It has all this pre-2001 FS footage on it as well as the full length mini movie of Sweetness - I am creaming to see it!

I also am crawling out of my skin to see the new Muse DVD which comes out 12/12. I want to get a Muse tattoo this weekend, or next week when I'm in Michigan. On the back of my calf. I think thats a pretty sensitive area, but whatever. I was thinking of their logo and signatures and a line from Bliss or Butterflies and Hurricanes. And perhaps Matts face (or just eyes) inside the logo. I'll have to work on some composites tonight or this weekend. I remember when I got my very first tattoo I had just broken up with my first real love and i was living in chicago and after it was done the "artist" said "nothing like a new tattoo to make you feel better." those words have haunted me since.

Today would have been Jeff Buckleys 39th birthday.
RIP.
My hair cutter guy, Jason, said he cried 4 times the night he saw Jeff Buckley perform live. I think I may have beaten that if i had ever gotten that chance. The man was one of those musical geniouses that legends are made of.