I spent today at a Collage class.
Actually first I went to the diet clinic to get some lab tests done.
I've been kinda chicken to get my cholesterol checked again because if this diet hasn't made it more healthy I fear my motivation will suffer ... but I'm getting it done.
Anyway, then I went to the class.
It started off to a rocky start but I stuck it out.
When i got there I looked around and all the other people had these huge tubs of supplies and I had nothing.
I sat down and soon learned there was a supplies list.
i hadn't seen one, realized i wouldn't be able to particapte without supplies, and all of the sudden felt like crying.
As people were setting up their tables I said out loud "well, then, i guess I'm severely handicapped today" and then this kind lady next to me said she would share her supplies with me.
Then we went around and introduced ourselves and shared why we were there and what experience we had and I proudly held up some of my scrapbook pages and said i had been scrapbooking for a couple of years and had started more and more to use collage and wanted to learn more and the teacher said kinda saucily "well that's what we call crafts, we will be doing art here" and I swear to god I almost got up and left.
That sure didn't help my confidence which is already not too high when it comes to art or craft or whatever the fuck you want to call it.
But as we started getting into the projects I forgot the unpleasantness of the first half hour and definately enjoyed what I was doing. I learned so much - today was based mostly on making our own, um, colored and textured paper, for lack of a better description, using a bunch of different methods. Most had to dry over night so tommorrow we will be using the papers we made to make actual collage. At lunch I went to a Michaels nearby and bought most of the supplies from the list.
Different techniques we used I kept getting excited about to use in my scrapbooking.
I was having conflicting thoughts all day - scrapbooking as a craft vs an art. It's like whenever i tell anyone who doesn't scrapbook that i do they automatically think of cheesy stereotypes. And I feel like all the communities i belong to just don't get what I do. Its surely been a source of frustration for me for the last couple of weeks.
So we learned how to make these super cool looking things with glue and one part of me was like "OMG I am so using this in scrapbooking and maybe even telling others about it" and the other part of me was like "this is for art not crafts blah balh alhbah"
But then towards the end of class a woman got up and showed us some of her peices. She's been doing collage for 3 years and has her first gallery show opening in 3 weeks. She said some things that kind of put it all in perspective. She said she had been in a deep depression after losing her mother and one day took a collage class and found that she could completely lose herself in it. And even though she knew she wasn't creating anything "good" or "unique" in the beginning she found all time would stand still and a peace would wash over her as she created. I immediately realized I felt the same way.
I've been looking so hard for a purpose to scrapbook. I've been stressing out about fitting in and not fitting in. When all along, what scrapbooking does for me is bring some peace to me. For a couple of hours a night or sometimes a week the world outside my scrapbook room doesn't exist and all there is, is some paper and glue, some pictures that make me smile, some good music and just a woman floating in time.
After this woman got up and talked the rest of the afternoon I had a little more confidence in what I was doing. Up until then I was being critical of what I was making, not really liking anything I was doing and getting mildly frustrated. After that, the next project we went to, I just threw the paint around. I looked at little pieces of papers I had made and although i didn't like the whole, i found little areas that were beautiful. And that's really what, i think, keeps me going - those little pieces that are beautiful, even if they're part of a big hot mess of paper, there's always something to be thankful for.